Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
