He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize