He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
