Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
