is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
