So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
