Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
