These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
