captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
