I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
