I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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