A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
