??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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