In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
