And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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