Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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