If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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