the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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