Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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