The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
