I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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