Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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