Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
