She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
