i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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