hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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