a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
