i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize