i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
