Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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