If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
