So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
