Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
