So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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