The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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