Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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