Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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