Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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