I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
