One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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