Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
