we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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