If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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