just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
