Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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