but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
