Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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