I just threw up on my dentist
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
