so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize