Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
