I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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