I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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