I murdered the dance floor call the cops
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
