I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
