where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
