I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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