the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
