Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
