she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
