My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Did I show you my penis last night?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
