I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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