I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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