Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize