my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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