you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize