my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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