God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
