Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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