I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
