I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
