Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
