i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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