On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
