I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
