Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize