i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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