She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
3 2 1 whiskey
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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