there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
