Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
